My cousin Dalin passed away yesterday. My mom called with the sad news last night. I was fine upon hearing the news, after all it was expected. The minute I got off the phone with my mom, I lost it and started crying...well into the next day I really haven't stopped. There will be a few here's and there's where I am like okay, I've grieved and I've got it all out , let's move and stop with the crying already. A few months back our family had a picnic in Dalin's honor. Cancer has been his battle for quite some time and after a long haul, it was determined that there was just no more that the doctors could do and they gave him three months to live. The picnic was emotional for me. I had to sneak away for a bit, Ellie and myself. We took a walk around the field and property of the church building where it was held in Puyallup. It was hard for me to think of the emotions, feelings and love involved with not only Dalin and everything he was facing but with the family. It was hard for me not to put myself in the place of my Aunt Ginger as his mother and to think of everything she was going through as a mom of a son with a terminal illness. Ellie and I cried and I prayed that I would just get myself together so I could go back and join the rest of the family. I have this problem when I start to cry, it is terribly hard to me to stop. I will be just fine but I will still be crying and crying and crying, I just must be ultra emotional or something. I know Dalin is finally happy and in a far better place than ourselves and it's not even like we were too close as cousins. He was sixteen, just three years older than Jarom...so I keep on wondering what my problem is. Why is this such an emotional time for me. I know it's not up to us when it's out time to go, it's all in God's order and time and when it's time, it's time- it's just a part of life. We live and we die, then we move on with the whole plan of our Heavenly Father. I think I am just thinking about the reality of it all and knowing how hard this trial would be for me if it was my youngest who had to go through everything Dalin did and as a mother how it would hurt so bad inside, that feeling of helplessness of the inevitable and how strong my Aunt Ginger had and still has to be to go through all of this and to keep going in the future with out her son in this life. I know people go through things like this everyday but for myself for some reason this has really hit home for me. Our elderly loved ones die after living a long, good life and not undermining the sadness it brings into the life of their loved ones when they are gone but when a child dies or even a mother or father before reaching that "elderly status" it's different. I feel for the family, Dalin's brothers and sisters, thinking about what they must be going through at this time is saddening and so heartfelt to me. I'm not sure if it's the spirit that's so strong that's making me so emotional. The fact that I do have a knowledge of Eternal Life and my unwavering faith and just knowing that we will all be together forever as a family some day and the realness of that at this time in my life or the fact that it's been a more eventful week with other extended family issues arising concerning loved ones and them coming to a head and the uncertainties of that or with Jarom's birthday being this week and the fact that he's now a teenager and knowing that time just doesn't stop and how I love my own children so much and to even imagine my life here on earth with out one of them. I'm really not sure but I really need to get myself together. Brooklynne is so sweet, before her nap she kept on saying, "sorry mommy, sorry mommy." It was quite cute to see her awareness that I was sad and how in tune she is with others feelings at such a young age...seeing her mommy sad was something she hasn't really seen before so I'm sure she was a bit confused since it's usually me comforting her tears, she kept patting me on the back. I had to keep on assuring her that mommy was fine and it was nothing she had done to me. I know mourning is normal, natural and needed in times of loss. I guess I'm just trying to understand the process of it a bit better....Then there's the funeral, who likes funerals? Cry me a river... I remember once when I was younger going to a funeral with my mom, I didn't even know the elderly man who died but I think I cried more than anyone in the funeral service, see apparently- it's been a life long issue. I think it just must be the spirit and the emotions of my knowledge of the truthfulness of the only true Gospel of Jesus Christ we have that leads me to be so overfilled I just can't contain or get a grip on my feelings? I think I'll go with that explanation and keep my fingers crossed that addressing my mourning through writing out my feelings will turn the faucet off.
When I was out driving around- running errands earlier today, I admired the many colors of the leaves whose colors had changed before they fall to the ground this time of the year. I walked outside to check the mail earlier and had to go back to the house to get my camera to snap a few pictures of the ever changing leaves in our neighborhood. I absolutley love the colors of fall! I just love color in general, I wonder what the colors are like in heaven?
1 comment:
It must be in our blood, because once the tear gates open I cry, cry,& cry some more. Yes, I know Dallin is with Heavenly Father, & is no longer in pain which is a comforting thought, but at the same time I've got anger as to why Dallin had to go through all of that pain & suffering just to have his life cut short. As a Mother, as times like this arise, I can't help but think how terrible it would be to experience one of my children going through all that Dallin did, & pray I never I have to find out!
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